So as I was being torn apart internally after not being able to adjust to my everything new in life, I was always keeping in mind that I had an unlimited number of options of what I choose to be, but at the moment my feelings of depressions and abandonment were too strong. That is how I was loving, ( because I obviously never stop loving Nathaniel) the poor, full of self pity, feeling neglected, undesired, with a classic victim mentality Tanya. Ready to shut down and isolate the whole world. The most attractive option of all-isolation, stay alone, the course of action that is luring me into the depth of the ocean of loneliness like a Serena. I did shut down because it had been my way of life for so long, all my life, it was all I knew how to do. But this time I shut down with a determination to look for another option, other options, better ones. It hurts Nathaniel badly when I am like that; he feels excluded when I do not talk or react on him for days. Who wouldn't!
I was hurting for a week with the same intensity. Then at some moment, I couldn't really point out when, this better option presented itself to my tired and losing hope psychic. In a second, I knew how to be the better me. Happiness and peace slowly crawled over me and oozed inside me. I will love better.
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